#HOWTOHELP

You can help someone who is in an abusive relationship in a number of ways. We provide guidance on what to do and how to contribute to their safety.

The reasons why victims don’t leave, how to help a survivor and yourself, how to leave safely, and support groups are the topics covered here.

Why Victims Don't Leave

Your friend might not be able to make the decision to leave. Abuse victims can feel ashamed and embarrassed. Their self-esteem has gradually been destroyed by the abuser. Additionally, they might not be ready for word of the abuse to spread across their social group.

Numerous factors contribute to victims’ refusal to “leave.” This might include love, stigma and shame, housing, childcare, support, and financial resources. Leaving often doesn’t guarantee an end to the violence.

In reality, the violence will escalate when the victim leaves.

Making a safety plan with a therapist, friend, or advocate is crucial because of this.

HOW TO HELP A SURVIVOR

WHAT TO SAY:

  • "You survived – you clearly did the right things”
  • “I’m always here for you if you want to chat”
  • “It was not your fault”
  • “Thank you for telling me”
  • “Can I do anything for you”, are some things to say to them.

WHAT NOT TO SAY:

It is not appropriate to say things like

  • “It was your fault”
  • “It’s been so long”
  • “Get over it!”
  • "You wanted it”
  • And the worst possible response is “I don’t believe you.”
  • “You could have prevented it had you…”
  • “It’s not a big issue; it happens to lots of people”, and other similar phrases

They should be treated with respect and don’t pity them. Check on any physical injuries, offer comfort, and go with to their first therapy appointment. Give them the freedom to tell you as little or as much as they want to; by speaking, you’re giving them the chance to claim back some power.

Patience and consistency are key. It may take a while to recover. It’s crucial for you to maintain consistency since the survivor may experience many shifts, good days, and terrible days.

Let them decide whether or not a hug or being near to them will be helpful. While some people may not want to be touched, others might.

It’s best to let them be in charge and allow them to make their own decisions rather than trying to fix all of their issues for them. The most fundamental right of each human being was stripped away from them: control. By giving them control, they will be able to reclaim some of the power that was taken from them.

Don’t press for an explanation of what happened in great detail, and refrain from inciting additional violence by expressing a desire to confront the abuser directly. You must lead by example in putting a stop to violence.

Help yourself - How to leave safely

Domestic abuse victims cannot always prevent violent incidents. Here are some things you can do via safety planning

  • Make a mental checklist of your emergency escape plan, including where to go in case you need to go (such as a friend or relative's house).
  • Put some cash and a change of clothing in a bag. Keep it hidden in your house or give it to a friend or family member. Make sure you have all the necessary documents, such as ID's, medical aid card, bank cards, etc.
  • Place yourself near a door or phone so you can easily exit or dial 10111.
  • Move to a space where the risk is the lowest. Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons, or in rooms without access to an outside door.
  • Use your common sense and gut instinct. You know your partner well, if the situation is very serious, you can agree with them to calm him/her down. Until you're no longer in danger, you must take care of yourself.
  • After being assaulted, call the police at (10111) or visit a police station. Leave the phone off the hook since you can be in more danger if they call back and your partner answers.
  • When you're being abused, make as much noise as possible. Set off the fire alarm, break things, turn up the stereo or TV, so that neighbours might hear and call the police for you.
  • For children, create and use a code word so they can call for help.
  • Ask the child to choose a secure location inside the home, preferably one with a phone and a lock on the door. Choose a safe location outside the home, and make sure they know the way there.
  • Teach the child how to call for help. They shouldn't use a phone that the abuser can see.
  • Make sure they know their details (full name, address and telephone number), and rehearse what they will say when calling for help.

SUPPORT GROUPS

If you’re interested in joining the Epic Foundation’s virtual support group (WhatsApp group) please send us an email to info@epicfoundation.org.za or contact Alta McMaster on 082 940 6230. 

Only female survivors of GBV are in the group. 

A counsellor is also included on this group to help with guidance and advice. 

The purpose of this group is for survivors to have a platform to speak to each other, and to find support with the healing process.

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